”It is of great importance that all entities are appreciated, acknowledged and respected at each and every sex date we are at”, she wrote. I was on my way to meet her for a lunch in a restaurant nearby my practise.
She being Lilly. And the story she was about to unfold for me during lunch was about her and her husband´s latest sex date at one of their favourite hotels. They had been contacted by a man and his ”girlfriend”, or friend with benefits is probably more accurate, as they had found them on the app called Feeld.
A hug and a smile as we greeted one another just outside the restaurant before we went inside and were seated at our table. Then she went straight to the story she needed to hear my reflections on.
”So, we got up to the hotel room sort of straight away. We just met and hugged at the entrance then immediately took the elevators upstairs. As we all sat down on the bed, my darling husband said we needed a round for everyone to speak their mind and say what needed to be said before we started having sex. I was nervous, so I am glad he did me that favour as I felt I needed to say a thing to us all. Including me.And my husband. And yet, I am not sure neither my husband nor I cherished my wish. ”
Laughter, giggling and smile. A sip of water. We ordered our lunch and she went back to tell her story.
”Well, the other woman said ”condoms?”, and we all said yes. The other man, Oh, I cannot even remember if he said anything on his behalf. Maybe he just reminded the other woman to say stop if she didn’t want a particular thing to happen. My husband said that everyone was of course in charge of saying stop or leave at any time. And that the question if met by a ”no” or a ”no, not yet” could be asked again. And we all agreed to that too.
Then the turn came to me. I first rambled on about how I like the Spanish way of asking wether or not a move is ok. They just put their hand lightly somewhere non-sexual on your body and if the hand is brushed away, that means a ”no” and if the hand is not brushed away then the owner of the hand is free to slowly pursue more. ”
Lunch was served by this very cute woman. I tried to catch her eye, and when I succeeded I gave her one of my warmest smiles. And flirted.
Lilly saw my flirt and laughed at me.
”Thelma, you are incredible. always on the lookout for new persons to seduce,” and she giggled away as she ate. We let the warm food be eaten as we watched the other people in the busy restaurant. A few business meetings, an elderly couple, a father and daughter, colleagues, and like us, a few other tables for two women. I was wondering if any of them had conversations about sex. I looked around and met the eyes of the cute woman again. This time she smiled first. Yes!
” Anyway”, Lilly went back to her story. ”I had no other choice now as my husband said I had something important to say so I just let the words come as they could. It went something like this:”
”In this room there are five things. Four persons plus our marriage. We all need to be respected as well as our marriage. That means that if you (I said as I turned towards the other woman) want to get to my husband, you need to go through me. And if you want to get to me (I said as I this time turned towards the other man) you need to go through my husband.
”Certainly, said the other man. Of course, he added. I specifically looked at the other woman as she was the one I had mixed worries about. She felt like a wild card. New to this. Not in a loving relationship with this other man. And so not talking a lot. Maybe her language skills weren’t great, maybe she was just too shy. Thank you I concluded and looked at my husband. He stood up and pulled me up to my feet as well. As I thanked him, he said loud and clear that he wanted to start by having sex with me. So we did. Start there.”
Plates were cleared away and coffee was both offered and served before Lilly spoke again.
”Yes, it was really a slow evening, with some nice sex. But, Thelma, as you know I have very high standards so it turned out the way I anticipated. A very sad little penis on the other man. We barely played at all with them. She being too shy and not that interested. He not interested in her really. Just like fucking her. But we, my darling and I, we had a great show and great sex. Like we always do.
What I do want to hear from you is how you think about the part of respecting the marriage as a ”person/thing” of its own. And secondly – why is it so hard for me and my husband to respect it the same way as I expect the others to do?”
As Lilly waited for my reflection the cute woman came with our receipts. She had a handwritten message on the back of my receipt. A name and a number. She touched my arm as she left the table and I saw her smiling as she walked away into the kitchen. A huge smile on my lips as I told Lilly of my thoughts. That she, as always, made such conscious choices, which most often really comforted her as well as made her feel safe. ”So, yes, keep doing them for as long as you need to, Lilly,” I told her.
”And when you are ready to feel a bit more uncomfortable, maybe a feeling of wanting to grow more, then by all means, please Lilly – just let the lust, pleasure and fun guide you. Not your fears anymore. I know this is hard to hear, and it will be hard to do. Someday you will be there and that option will be your only true choice. So take a leap of faith. Dare greatly as Brene Brown calls it. I believe in you, my dear friend!”
We hugged at the table as we stood up, we hugged again outside the restaurant. We made another appointment for a lunch session, and as we waved goodbye I took a photo of my receipt and sent it to my darling, Mr S.
No person, relation or likewise came to any harm at the sharing of this story. Neither before, during or afterwards. If all of the above is a fantasy, reality or other is irrelevant. What the words mean to you and your relation is the only thing that matters.