Stella was stuck in her negative spiraling thoughts and came to see me on her own.
She tells me this:
”I cry a lot now a days, we have lots of sex and I really do believe Stuart loves me more than ever and deeper then he actually realizes. Yet, I am so scared that he will leave me. That I will be alone and unwanted. That I will not belong in his loving community.”
She takes a pause and starts over again, fixing her eyes upon mine.
”And I have a really hard time not being stressed out by the fact that he wants more women to have sex with. It sometimes feels like I should just go against my own body and mind, and let him have his way. Set up a few dates with some unicorns and let him lick as much pussy as he wants. And that they all play with his cock as I kiss him. Tears will surely be rolling down my face as I do this. You see? It feels like a big black hole inside me just waiting to eat me up and pull me down. And I am not yet ready to die. To leave this.
I want to be able to give him what he wants, mostly because I believe that I will loose him if I do otherwise. Or that is what my brain tells me anyway. And I believe it.
It seems like I am wired to always go deep down amygdala searching for the worst case scenario. Which might even be that if I give Stuart exactly what he wants among other women, that he will still leave me. I cannot live with these stupid thoughts and fears in my life anymore. I am so angry at Stuart and at myself.”
I can feel that Stella is very tense and stressed about the whole situation. Both talking about it as well as, feeling it to be true, and also in a way knowing it isn’t but still being angry with herself for acting in this way. Leaning closer to her I ask her to tell me of the best case scenarios that will occur if she will do what she thinks Stuart wishes.
”In the best case scenarios I will have access to my voice, not being afraid of saying what I want to happen, not being afraid of asking to be a part, not being afraid of taking as much as I want from Stuart, not being afraid to push the greedy ones out of the room, not being afraid sharing Stuart with the ones I like, with the ones that he like, not being afraid of being left out of the play and pleasure.
In the best case scenario I too will feel pleasure. I too will be able to be in my body without a stress respons of freeze (I don’t experience flight nor fright in our sex adventures this far). I too will have a good time.
And I will be in no doubt that Stuart is in love with me. That I am the woman he wants more of. That I am the only woman he wants to share his life with.”
I ask her more:
”So how do thinking of these best case scenarios make you feel Stella?”
She answers in a slow voice and tone.
”Like I want to cry for being so rude and mean to myself. And I really want to be able to let go of this downward spiral. I want to believe with every cell of my body that the best case scenario or at least the last part about Stuart loving only me will be true. I am not there yet. Maybe this will come with time or a might need a few more sessions with you to embody these new beliefs that I want to have. Replace the ones I do have with new ones. Can we do that? Schedule a few sessions for me?”
She opens her calendar on her phone, but before we search for a new time to meet, she shows me the latest picture that Stuart sexted to her while she sat here with me.
The words that follow along with the picture are:
Let this luscious ass be mine tonight. I will treasure it with my big cock.
No person, relation or likewise came to any harm at the sharing of this story. Neither before, during or afterwards. If all of the above is a fantasy, reality or other is irrelevant. What the words mean to you and your relation is the only thing that matters.